Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date any man, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, often causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
